German bureaucracy has declared war on me ever since I left the classical route of working as an employee and chose to freelance instead.
Maybe the word 'chose' isn't exactly accurate — it was pretty much all that the German job market had for me since I, as someone who speaks several languages, lived and worked abroad, did an admin/translation apprenticeship and then studied media design, am obviously seen as worthless for the stiff German job market. Needless to say that I learned tons of other skills by myself through investing time and money into online courses etc. — but that is a topic for another blog post.
Well, freelancing in this country comes with punishment in the form of tons of extra bureaucracy and high costs. You have to pay in advance money to the government that you haven't even earned yet. And this is extremely stressful.
What happened in the past few years? My health got completely destroyed because I overworked in order to make financial ends meet, I was people-pleasing my way through working as a freelance language teacher because that is what the job requires if you wanna financially survive — and I literally ground my teeth to dust. Because of...yes, tons of stress.
My medical dispositions have never been on the bright side either. I got early in life diagnosed with Graves Disease that then turned into a full-blown Hashimoto's making my life even more complicated. That paired with depression, a lack of appetite and chronic under-eating because of living an unfulfilling life trying to fit into a system that I was just not meant to fit in — all of that took its toll on my dental health.
And then as the tip of the iceberg kicked in such a strong dentist phobia (after bad experiences with them all my life) that I did not go to the dentist for more than a decade despite knowing that many things have clearly gone wrong in my mouth. But the fear was stronger — until there was the point of no return this year in February when I finally had to go to a dentist and I thankfully found one who I trust and who takes exceptional good care of my teeth and also sees me as a human that has been through a lot.
Now we get to what completely shattered my soul yesterday.
I had to go to another dentist for a second opinion for the health insurance — and that is what happened yesterday. I went to the appointed Gutachterin for the second opinion and that appointment felt like a tribunal.
I set clear boundaries before saying I don't wanna hear the whole diagnosis since this is overwhelming me and that she should please further discuss this with my dentist. I sat in that dentist chair and exactly remembered how and why this dentist phobia developed in the first place. I nearly fainted in that chair because of my fear and the intense heat and the fact that I could barely eat that day.
Once she was done, she started questioning me and it felt very uncomfortable. One of the first questions was if I had been eating disordered because acids have eroded my teeth and those erosions are typical for bulimia. So I explained — but it seemed whatever I said did not sit right with her and she kept on insisting on the eating disorders and probably did not believe me when I said that bulimia is not my thing, but that I have to throw up quickly when feeling nauseous.
Anyways, I walked out of there and felt miserable. I called a taxi and felt close to fainting again while waiting. I lived on kefir, fruit and milky coffee yesterday — and needless to say that eating dinner was not appealing. Despite the salmon I defrosted and the delicious fruit salad I made for lunch (golden kiwi, nectarine, baby bananas and mango) — my body and soul wanted none of that.
And this morning one of the first things that happened was that I cried. And I barely cry. Yes, that tribunal appointment, the extreme heat, hormones — those are the consequences.
Well, it is another heat wave day. Another day in pain. So I will focus on resting today. I struggle with resting — that is what led to my current health situation as well. I was unable to rest until I burned out completely.
I call it Friday and say goodbye to the tribunal day.
Better days to come!
Shabbat Shalom!
With love,
Phyllis