I've only realized that I never really took consciously time to rest. Apart maybe from one Sunday occasionally but even those I rarely used for resting. As a freelancer I was always available and when my freelance teaching income got destroyed, I was so desperate that I started working in a low-wage job on weekends and kept on freelance teaching during the week.
Oh boy, that wasn't a good decision. Working 7 days a week for very little money just ain't worth it. It's only a major recipe for burnout. And look where I am today. But at least, this time - now facing the second burnout within a short time or better to say I never really recovered from the one before - it made me realize that I have to rest if I want to get back on my feet again.
And that's where my main focus is right now. Resting, sleeping early, eating nourishing food - and food that seems appealing now since lots of food I just can't stomach right now - getting sunshine, gentle workouts at home with my ballet app, going to the dentist weekly to have my dental health restored...that's all I'm capable of lately. And for the first time in my life I accept it and say that it's totally fine like that.
Because I never want to get to that point again where I was being majorly burned out and unable to function. So I eliminated everything from my life that kept holding me back, that kept draining me, blocking people who don't respect me and drain my energy...solely focusing on my healing journey. Let's face it, you can't pour from an empty cup.
And I'm still supportive for me loved ones when they need me but it's like the first time that I put the main priority on myself now. No more pushing harder when all I need is rest. I can only create products, write, design and illustrate from a healthy state of mind. And I wasn't in that healthy state of mind for years now. Hypervigilant fight-or-flight mode has been going on for the past few years and now I don't even wonder how I got the point where I am now.
So, resting is productive. Sleeping early is super healing. I'm still amazed that it took me so long to learn this. But the thing in the past was that I had to work a lot and very hard to make a living. Also that is a reason why I will never work as a freelancer again trading hours for little money - and also not project-based. I am done with freelancing forever because it was one main factor in burning me out in the end.
Resting produces energy. Enough sleep, a good amount of calories and resting do wonders! And that's exactly what I'm focusing on right now. No more hustling, no more overstepping my own boundaries and pushing through, no more freelancing...I'm done with this lifestyle and my former identity. Not that it was the kind of lifestyle or job I ever wanted to have, it just happened and it was still better than the horrible employee jobs I worked in before. But still, it wasn't good for me either.
And now for the first time in my life I learn to rest, I work on a business model that works for me and that won't burn me out again. My business model is project and email-based and with that it provides the utmost freedom I ever had once it's running successfully. And that's exactly what I'm working on once I have more energy again.
So please if you have one takeaway from reading today's blog post, then let it be this:
1.) resting is productive
2.) you can't pour from an empty cup
Don't go as far as I did with pushing yourself while you are already at the verge of falling apart. I can tell ya from my lived experience that it ain't worth it. But it seems sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to realize that we need a major life change.
Be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself.
With love,
Phyllis
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